never alone

today is World Suicide Prevention Day, a day that is truly important. mental health has long been a taboo subject, something that people dont talk about due to fear of being thought as being crazy, a bit of a freak and all of the above. finally people are beginning to talk about it more, tell people their stories and tell the world what its really like.

it is easy to think that you are alone, that there is no one to help or understand or simply to stick by you when things are truly shit. this world is a cruel place, bad things happen to good people, to the old, to the young, there is no discrimination. sometimes it feels as though there is no coming back from the bad. sometimes it feels as though the bad horrible darkness will simply swallow you whole. it takes everything you love and enjoy a way step by step till your alone and scared and dont know what to do. and there is nothing scarier. sometimes you simply feel nothing, hear nothing, just feel like a shell of a human. there is nothing worse than that feeling. there is nothing worse then waking up in the morning and thinking do i really have to do this again.

people will tell you that you are amazing, brave, strong, a beautiful person in all ways but that doesnt mean that you hear it. but just because you dont hear it or dont believe it, it doesnt mean its not true. everyone in this world is unique and experiences this world in their own special world. and every single person should know that they are special. hearing that its going to get better might at the time feel like the worse thing to ever hear, and believe me i know how bloody annoying it can be to be told that but it will. you are never alone and often it can take one person who will make you realise that. and as cheesy as this sounds that person might be you. everyone deserve to know that they are special and amazing and beautiful. and to have faith. faith in that you can get through the dark, numb feelings. it wont be easy and it might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but when you do, you will realise how strong you are.

there might be times when you think, i cant do it anymore, iv been there, and i cried and i broke down, stopped eating properly, didnt sleep for days or slept too much, and it was one of the worse times of my life, but you can get through it. and there have been times since where things started getting bad again, when i simply thought this is it, this is what my life is going to be, long periods of time where dark and sad and horrible with intermittent moments of happiness. but i took one step at a time and im happy again. i know that i will probably face this my whole life, and thats okay, its who i am and im no longer ashamed of that.

it will be hard and there will be times when it feels like maybe its not worth it anymore. but take a step back and look at yourself, because i promise you, you are loved by someone. and there will always always be someone who can help.

on a day like today, it is important to remember that anyone can be suffering, feeling scarred and alone and it is so important that we remind each other that there is something uniquely special about us, and that no one is alone.

if you have ever felt like it was all too much please find help, and trust me when i say this someone will be there for you.

im going to leave you with one of my favourite quotes which i have above my mirror when things get bad, because it makes me want to be strong when i feel as though the world is against me.

"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards some are strong at the broken places" Earnest Hemingway

Theres always someone who will listen:
www.samaritans.org

the end...

so i guess the title of this post sounds a bit ominous, and i guess it is a little. first of before we get any further, remember that i am happy and am currently in a very good place and maybe thats why i finally feel brave enough to tell the truth. but i have wanted to write this post for a while but its not the easiest of topics to well discuss i guess you could say. and something happened today that made me think that maybe we should talk about it more.

i would say that it is one of the worse aspects of depression, one that theres no going back from but sometimes it is the only way people know how to escape the pain. but as i said theres no going back. if you havent guessed already im talking about suicide. when most people hear that word it makes people think of weakness, but when i hear it i think of someone going through the worst pain they know and not knowing what to do about it, believing that it is the only way out. and i guess one of the reasons i started this blog in the first place is to talk about depression and what it is like living with it. if you met me you would probably describe me as a bubbly, kinda smart and awkward 22year old, but im more than that. im anxious in social situations, i can be incredibly sad to the point that i simply cant move, i just lie in bed staring and refuse to eat. depression manifests itself in so many ways, and sometimes theres no stopping it. sometimes its as though it will never end, that the sadness is all there is left of you, gone is that bright bubbly girl. and that is when the thoughts kick in. before you say anything i have never once attempted to commit suicide. but i have certainly had thoughts that were beyond painful, but i took the steps i needed to and told someone, and that night my mum held me as i cried more than i have ever cried and told her i couldnt handle being sad anymore that i just want to be me again, and i know it broke her heart and i know she wished she could take it away for me. but both her and my dad were strong for me that i got through it, that i went to the doctors and sorted myself out.

some people are not that lucky, the help they need doesnt get there in time. but it is important to remember that there is a difference between having dark thoughts and actually acting on them, but please if you ever have those thoughts talk to someone. tell someone, even if its a stranger that your not sure you can cope on your own anymore. some people might run away, they might be scared of the truth of how bad your depression is but others will stand by you, hold your hand, spend the night with you if thats what you need to just simply get you through that day.

i think the problem with depression is that because its a mental illness and cant be seen people dont always acknowledge it. but in some cases thats not true, sometimes it leaves evidence in the form of scars on your arms, even if you are very good at hiding them. sometimes its the only way people feel able to let the pain out, but its not the only way there are so many ways to help, to escape the numb all encompassing weight that you carry around with you. if you ever find yourself in this situation put on some trainers and run or walk because afterwards you will so much better. and dont be scared to tell people. and i know its scary to see the anger or pity in their eyes but if they love you, you wont see it, they may simply just tell you they love you or say they are here for you.

if you are ever in this situation call someone and ask for help. there are so many numbers out there that can help. il put some links at the end. but what i want you to remember, those of you who read this blog, is that you are so strong and so brave and you are going to be okay. it may be difficult and you will have days where it is unbearable but your an amazing beautiful person that makes the loves of those around you that bit brighter, so get help. and sometimes all you need to do is talk.

i found this quote and i really like it cause its how i feel about myself sometimes, and it might help others when it feels like the world is against you.
"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places". Ernest Hemingway

so remember, things will get better, and despite the sadness life can be exciting and sometimes it takes getting through the very worst things life can throw at us that we discover who we truly are and what we are meant to do on this strange planet.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/

memories....

iv been thinking about writing this post all day while standing at working cleaning and making coffees all these thoughts came into my head but now that its come to it iv forgotten most of it. it probably doesnt help that its 11.15 at night, i have to get up crazy early for a train in the morning and im not sure that i have gotten over the weekend.

but speaking of this weekend it was thinking about this at work that got me thinking of other things. basically i went out this weekend and got insanely drunk with some of the best people i know! i am fairly certain that when i woke up on sunday that i was still drunk and when i looked through my phone with my friend who had stayed at all the pictures we took especially her as most of them are of her face i couldnt stop laughing. it could have been the alcohol still in my system and the lack of sleep  but i think it may have been because of a fun night. we also discovered that there is such thing as a trolleyturnup, (theres meant to be a hashtag but i cant seem to find it on my laptop!) who knew huh? but the point of this post is not about the night out itself but rather the people i was with. i think its when you have been through times that arent the easiest or there has been a massive change that you begin to realise the amazing people around you. and i know i talk about this a lot but it is so easy to forget but on saturday i really did think, my friend simply are the best despite the large number of shots they made me do for saying a word that had been banned! but despite the hangover it was worth it for the memories and i am pleased to say that i remember the whole night.

i think its easy to forget that we are young and to grow up too quickly. thats not always a bad think but i know from personal experience i have always acted older than i am, and iv been happy, but now i simply want to have fun, say stupid things, do equally stupids things and make mistakes! life isnt perfect, its never going to be because then it would be too easy. and also i think a perfect life would get boring.

i know that im a little bit crazy, insecure and crazy awkward in social situations, im the one who trys to be funny sometimes and people dont get it but thats what makes me, me and im learning to love that. but what i have also realised is that my friends are also a little bit crazy, but they are also funny, kind and loyal. and its because of them that im  beginning to come out of my shell a little, that im showing more of who i really am. i guess you could say im shy but when i really know someone the weirdest shit comes out of my mouth. but despite this im lucky to have amazing friends. and it is with these people that i am making new awesome memories.

because when we are older, married, settled down and whatever it is these memories that we are going to have. i have some amazing memories from the last five years, venice for my 21st, rome, being with someone who i loved and made me feel special. but now i feel like i am finally ready to move on and make new memories with some of my favourite people. i will always treasure those memories, but its good to let go of the past. it is our past that makes us the people that we are today, how we were at school, in our teens, our first kiss, our first serious relationship and our first break up, but it is how we deal with all of this, as well as the people in our lives that change us, and make us the decent human beings we hope we are.

so look at the past and remember but we are always making new memories, although sometimes in the case of alcohol it can be hard to remember them, and that is what makes life exciting doing crazy things, making mistakes and not knowing whats going to happen next. oh and remember it is your insecurities that make you, just dont let them overpower you cause most of the time it isnt worth it, and all those people in your life love you for who you are, awkwardness and all.

relationships...

relationships are a funny thing, whether they be a friendship or romantic. in some cases they are one and the same. you put you all into it, you love, your trust, your happiness and it can be amazing it can last forever, or it can simply end. i see a lot of things on facebook that say if you are friends with someone for more than 7 years it will last a life time. in some cases this is true. i am incredibly lucky to say that i have this, we can spend months not talking but get us in a room together and you wouldnt know, and they are the people i know will always have my back, whether that means staying at my house when the thought of being alone is too scary, tidying my room because i simply cant do it or getting my drunk and texting me how amazing i am, i always know without a doubt they love me. and for that i dont think i could ever repay them, and hopefully they know how much they mean to me. sometimes, however, its the people who come into your life at the hardest of times that can be the most amazing of friends, sending pictures that will make you laugh, or stupid cat videos, listening to you rant, or buying you cake and tea and letting you cry. i really am lucky to have these amazing people in my life and i dont think i would have gotten through this past year without them, because i only have so much strength to deal with everyday life, and they have given me so much hope.

so in all im lucky i guess thats what im trying to say.

romantic relationships i guess are another thing. it is easy to think that what you have is the best thing your ever going to get. recently a lot of people around me have gone through break ups, just as i have, and it sucks. whether you were the one to do the breaking up or not it still hurts and it still feels like the end of your world. but all i can say to people is it can only get better. there are bigger things waiting for you out there. so i know it hurts, i mean its been most of a year since it happened and i still find it hard, but bad things happen so that you can do bigger and brighter things and so that you can meet that person who makes you truly happy. someone despite your many problems, despite feeling sad, depressed or anxious in normal situations will stand by you. people change and grow all the time, and some people deal with heartbreak, change, or simply life in different ways. but one thing i believe in is honesty, always be honest and true to everyone in your life, and sometimes that means hurting them but it will hurt less than lying. always be thankful for what you had, whether thats romantically or in a friendship, because at that time when you had them in your life, it was happy and true, but it might just not be what you need or want anymore. and dont feel pressured to move on, everyone moves at different paces, some people can meet someone new straight away but others cant, and it might seem selfish of them or as though what you had meant nothing, but sometimes thats how people deal with things and thats okay. i keep thinking iv moved on and then i think i havent, but that just makes me me and im okay with that. just do what you need to do to make yourself happy, whatever that might be.

and in all honesty its kind of exciting not knowing what the future holds, who we might meet and the adventures we might have! i mean i went away last year for 5 weeks not knowing anyone and i met some truly amazing people and had the most amazing time. so do look back and remember what you had but look to the future because theres so much to look forward and do some crazy stupid things while your young.

and remember that your always surrounded by people who love you such as family and friends, and if they are anything like mine they might be slightly crazy but they are also crazy loyal and have got me through both this break up and the depression that has plagued me the last few months. and they will be there for you too, and you wont even have to ask them to be.

7

sometimes we get to a point in our lives when we just dont know where we are going anymore, or even who we are. in a way im at that point. i know what i want to do, that i want to be a forensic anthropologist and work with the police and live in London, maybe work abroad for a while. but its getting to that point that is that hard part. im doing a degree that i love but with all the problems iv had iv never been more scared that i will fail and let everyone down, especially myself. however, i know that i can do it, its just starting thats the hard part. i tried to write a blog post last night, and deleted about 5 different versions because my thoughts were simply to jumbled to get out.

im at a point in my life where i have had a lot of change and have probably had my worst bout of depression since first being diagnosed or my second year of uni. the thing that i have found the hardest is picking myself back up again and i feel that i am slowly doing that everyday. sometimes the best way is by channeling all of your energy into something positive. so in the last few weeks i have dyed my hair pink and gotten a tattoo. they might seem a little extreme but the tattoo at least marks a point in my life where im trying to make positive changes and cope better with my depression. one thing i worry about a lot is that my depression becomes who i am. that when people look at me they see someone who is constantly trying to hide the sadness that they feel. and its true what they say that often the happiest people are the saddest because i would say on a whole im a happy person, admittedly very awkward and often say stupid things that i then regret but happy. however, i have become an expert at hiding how im truly feeling, i dont like to let people know that im sad or that im not sleeping or eating and some people say thats because im strong but i dont think thats it, i think in many cases people feel its weakness to admit they way they truly feel, that by admitting it they are no longer strong. maybe thats just the way i feel i dont know but i dont like to give into it because once i have i know that sometimes there is no going back and that i will be in this dark place until i can find that strength to pull myself out again. many people describe depression as a dark cloud or a black dog that follows you every where you go and its a fairly accurate idea, everyone suffers in different ways, but for me it almost feels like a different personality like another person has taken over my body and is telling me that im sad even though there is no reason for it.

im sure a lot of this doesnt make sense and i apologise now because i know i can ramble, but i hope in some way i can help explain they way depression can work. one thing i have started doing is exercising. sometimes i only do 15minutes of intense workout others i do longer and less intense but the difference it makes is amazing, it makes me feel like a different person. so even if you dont feel like it and your at your lowest point go for a walk or a slow jog or do yoga because it helps. exercise realises serotonin into your brain which creates a feeling of happiness. there are a lot of articles out there if your interested but it honestly does help. on the different occasions that iv had therapy they recommended it as a way of helping anxiety and depression.

so if like me you dont know where you life is going and are unsure of everything right now, its going to be okay, just take one step in front of the other and look after yourself. and if you need to take a day off in bed do because sometimes you need that more than you need to do anything else. and this is something im learning, depression doesnt make you, there are so many other bigger and brighter things that make you the person you are. no one is perfect no matter how hard they try.

so to end my rambling blog here is a quote i found and love: "I wish i could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being" - Hafzig

letting go

so as i have said before it hasnt been an easy the last few weeks in fact month, but i have just come back from going away. it was amazing being away for a number of reasons, one no internet, at first scary not having communication with the rest of the world but also nice. two, East Devon is stunning, and three i got time to myself, and time to think.

i said before that its good sometimes to put yourself out there and to take risks and i stand by that, i believe you should, even if the likely outcome is hurt. sometimes if you believe something enough theres every chance that it might work out. and it is sometimes this time away what can really make you realise what it is that you want in life, or how to find your happiness again. but there has to be a point when you have to let go. even if you believe that it could make you happy, but theres a point when you cant be treated badly anymore, or wait for people to realise what they are letting go. it might be hard and it certainly hurts but sometimes you have to look out for yourself and do what you need.

iv also learned that its okay to cry, cause sometimes that what you need to do, have a breakdown and cry letting go of all the hurt and sadness. that what one of my closest friends told me and shes right. iv been holding on for so long, trying to be strong and telling everyone that im going to be okay when all iv wanted to do is cry and breakdown, and after that it can make you feel so much better, although it might not always be the case.

iv also decided on the advise of my beautiful friend that each week i get a treat so that i have something to look forward to something each week, and iv done this before and it can help. even if its simply painting your nails. so thats what im going to do!

i guess this small post is simply trying to say that its okay to let go of something when you cant see it ever working out or you simply cant wait anymore. you are worth so much more than that, and you should never think otherwise. just because you might suffer depression, anxiety or anything else, it does not make you worth less than anyone else. in many cases it just shows how strong you are. because everyday it can be a challenge, and putting yourself out there when most wouldnt shows to the world what an incredible person you are. and often people realise what they lost when its too late. so take everyday as it comes, and each day treat yourself, it can simply be a cup of tea or a bar or chocolate and let go of the past and all the hurt because it is not worth it.

Everything will be okay.

so its been a pretty hard few days, and i guess that fairly obvious. what i wasnt expecting was the support and love that i received. especially the messages from people i havent spoken too for years. it was amazing hearing from them today and for them to tell me that they are there for me, its amazing how it can add a little light to a bad day. i never realised how fortunate i was to have the people around me that i do and i know i say this a lot but its true. my lecturers have been amazingly supportive and it feels so good to be at a university that truly care about their students, it makes it just that be easier to be honest about my depression. i use to be so ashamed thinking i shouldnt be sad, im so lucky but i realised pretty quickly thats not how it works, it is simply a problem with the chemicals in my brain and theres not much i can do about that. theres no quick cure, well there is medication but its not certain that they will work. in most cases it is something that you will have for life. a permanent presence that can sneak up on you when you least expecting it.

the one thing i have learnt in the 4years since i was diagnosed is its okay to have days where you dont get out of bed. thats fine if you need that time take it, your ill and sometimes rest is the answer to that illness. and as i said in my last post its okay to admit that your struggling, to tell those around you that you need help, that your not sure you can do this alone. i have also found that sometimes its the people you dont expect to be the ones that gives you the words to get you through that day. one thing that i know helps me is splitting my day into little goals and sometimes those goals are eat breakfast or wash, and once who have achieved those small goals it feels good. my mum tried to encourage me to sort my clothes out but i think she knew that that wasnt going to happen, so my goal for the morning is going for a walk around the town. so in the morning that whats im going to aim to do. exercise is one of the few things that makes me feel better, mainly dancing and tonight i went to dance and actually using my body put me in a better frame of mind, made me realise as i walked home from the train station that things will work out. il find my happiness

im a big believer in taking chances. this blog was a chance that i was scared to take, to let the world into my slightly strange mind, and my depression something that iv kept secret. but i dont regret it, not because i want peoples support but because im hoping that it helps people understand what its like living with depression. however, back to my point, i believe in taking chances and putting your heart out there so thats what iv done, and will it work out who knows probably not but i know i will never look back and regret it. things happen good or bad but they happen for a reason im sure thats true and people believe in fate but sometimes you need to make your own fate, you need to take a look at your life and think, i get to choose what happens no one else. and despite all of my problems and despite my world having changed massively im going to start to try and make the decisions in my life, not let other people do that for me. so to anyone out there reading this, everything will be okay, you will be happy but sometimes you have to take the bad first. and also when things are bad chocolate and ice-cream can really help make things better.

so im going to try and look forward and fight through this really hard days, and im going to put a smile on my face and eat cake. i can get through this and so can any of you. and its so important to remember how strong you are and dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Admitting your not okay

sometimes it feels as though the world around you is breaking down, as though everything you know has changed and even the colours are in reverse. it is at times like these that it is easy to break. it is a times like these that it feels as though you entire body is breaking into small pieces and if your not careful the wind will blow you away. it doesnt happen often but when it does it can be scary. it can be scary to see how much darkness you can feel inside and how you cant see the world as it really is. iv had this feeling many times before and i say to myself its going to be okay. i can get though this, one step at a time, simply put my make-up on and attempt a smile. but sometimes people can see through this mask and can see whats really below the surface. personally i dont like talking to people not anymore. i find if i rely to much on one person they will eventually leave. so through everything i have been through i have put on a face and a smile and held my head up high and continued as if nothing has happened. i shut people out and pretend. i guess its pretty obvious to say that this doesnt work for long. eventually there will be one to many things to happen and then you break. and when you break it can be either a good thing or a bad.
im beginning to learn that its okay to lean on people, that not everyone will walk out on you, that some people are there for you through everything, even if that means sitting eating ice-cream watching the worse films possible. im lucky that i have many people in my life that will do that for me because its hard being in a dark place by yourself. depression is such an isolating illness, and it can be almost impossible to see the light sometimes.  but recently i have had to pick myself up more times than i can count. to say iv had a pretty awful 2015 so far is an understatement but one of many things i have learnt lately is that i am strong, stronger than i give myself credit. so any of you going through this remember that you are so strong, that everyday when you feel like you cant do it, by simply trying you are doing more than anyone will ever understand. people with depression are brave and so strong and admitting your not okay can be the hardest thing to do.

i have so many people in my life that i didnt even realise who are there for me in so many ways that i know for a fact that i dont say thank you enough. i hope if any of you are reading this you know who you are, and how much you mean to me.

i know that in my case i have let things go on for too long before admitting that i wasnt doing so great. that i let my depression get so bad that i started hating doing the things i love so much. but im going to try and change that and find my happiness again. cause we all deserve to be happy, and i wont let people or a bad beginning to the year get in my way. and no one should ever let that happen to themselves. sometimes finding your own happiness can lead to someone elses unhappiness  and i know this better than most, but if thats the case honesty is always the best way.

so i guess this post is about it being okay to admit that your not happy, that things are really bad. and thats what im doing, finally admitting the truth to myself and those around me but i know that i can pick myself up again and be stronger than ever.

Things Change

The last 6 months havent been the easiest. everything has changed and keeps changing, nothing is how it was. i guess what i find hard is that i dont like change, well no one does not that i know of. but change has to happen, things cant stay how they are because that is not how life works. its especially hard when you think you have life sorted, you know what your future holds and your excited, but i guess we are not meant to have everything planned from the beginning. i dont know im not every sure that im making much sense, so let me start again...

i had my life planned and i knew exactly what was going to happen, i was in love, i loved uni and knew what i wanted to happen when i left, i new i was going to move away, have an amazing job and be with the person i loved most. but maybe one person doesnt deserve all that happiness at once, or maybe im simply to young i dont know the reason but it didnt last. and since that moment in time i have questioned my decision every single day and wondered would i change it? im not sure that i would but i wish some of the things that happened after would change. i never knew up until this point how amazing the people i have in my life are. i guess its easy to take people for granted, just expect that to be there but thats not the case. i truly have some incredible friends and i dont think i can ever thank them enough, through everything and especially the hard times where i felt barely human they have helped me get up and keep moving. it is at times like these that you realise there are some incredible people in this world.

i was more than lucky and i still am its just the change that is hard and it is the letting go that is even harder. i need to move on with my life and i know that more than anything but once i have made that step there is no going back and im scared, i have never been more scared in my life to take that step towards my future. people tell me im brave and strong all the time because of how i handle everything that is thrown at me, but im not, im neither of those things im simply scraping by every single day or thats what it feels like.

but we all have to move on eventually, bad things happen to everyone and they deal with it. im surrounded by some truly inspirational people who have had some of the worst things happen to them and they dont let that stop them. everyday for the last four years i have watched my dad struggle with an illness that none of us really understand, no doctor has given us a definitive diagnosis but everyday he gets up and gets on with it, he may complain and be grumpy but then he deserves that, he gets to complain when he is in pain and is grumpy i dont think we can take that away from him.

and i was truly lucky to have something that felt truly special for five years with an amazing person and now its over and i guess i need to start letting it go, and im trying i really am but life i guess doesnt work like that and emotions dont but i will let go and i will move on because life makes us. and i guess what im trying to say is i am truly grateful to all the people in my life you have helped and listened and just been there.

my depression hasnt helped and i know at times i can be a complete bitch and lash out at who ever is near and especially at those who i love the most but even so there are still there for me. and they understand that at times im my happy bright self but at times im not and i just need space. one of the hardest things for me has been the not sleeping. i never use to have this problem as im the sort of person who can sleep anywhere at anytime no matter what. but the last 5 days iv hardly slept, iv been getting maybe two hours sleep and its the worse because its almost as though you can function or hear properly because every movement takes so much energy, something that you dont have. there is medication, sleeping pills can help and i have them but i didnt this time because its something that i want to deal with on my own, if i can sort my sleeping out without medication that it feels like a victory.

i think this blog post might be a bit rambly (still not sure this is a word but i like it), but i guess all im trying to say change is hard and so is moving on and people tell you when you should start moving as if its a recognised date but i dont believe that, i think you should only move on when your ready and you have done everything you can in the mean time, and i guess i have iv given my all and im not sure what i have left. but i wont be rushed i will take my time and will slowly find happiness that  deserve cause in the end everyone deserves to be happy. and although there may be hateful words in the process of that happiness and what feels like hatred that will fade and become the past. but i will never forget those five years of what felt like perfect happiness but i know i dont want to continue in i guess what you could call self torture because i know that i deserve better. and my depression and my past will not get in my way and i will always have my beautiful friends and family, who i will always love.

so thank you for everything.

No.2

So i got some amazing feed back on my last post and all of my friends were incredibly supportive and said that i should carry on writing as it helps me but it also helps others understand what its like having depression. i dont plan only on writing about depression, but one of my amazing friends suggested that i write what i do when im feeling really down to help others who might also be in a bad place and i liked that idea so thats what im going to do also.

many people dont talk about having depression because they think it makes them sound crazy, but having depression and anxiety does not make you crazy, it simply means that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. in fact if you type serotonin into google it will come up with a number of links to serotonin levels and how it can affect depression. i shall put the link at the end of my post. depression doesnt happen to certain people it can happen to anybody as i've realised in the last few days. it can make you feel numb no matter what amazing things might be happening around you, you may smile but inside theres nothing just emptiness. and then with the emptiness theres the never ending feeling of sadness, and the worst part is half the time you dont know why your sad. the sadness just surrounds you, making you feel like someone is physically pushing you down, almost as if your drowning and all you can do is hide under your duvet and hope it will go away, and sometimes it does, sometimes it will last a day, other times a week and when things are really bad it can last longer months. often to add to the depression, theres anxiety, always worrying, getting anxious about the smallest things.

these are things that i feel all the time, i can say one thing to a person and then i will obsess for days about it, worrying i have upset them said the wrong thing, panic they hate me, that everyone will hate me. and because of this i can come across as cold or i dunno bitchy or full of myself. but im not, well i hope im not, most of the time it is a front to protect myself because i dont feel strong on the inside and as sad as it sounds all i want is to be liked. but i know most of the time that it is just my insecurity talking and that i am stronger than that. so if you have any feelings similar to this than there is nothing wrong with that and it doesnt mean that you are crazy, and its not something to be ashamed of.

as iv mentioned before im really lucky to have some truly incredible people in my life who are always there, who when things are bad i know are a phone call away. also my family are pretty damn awesome and i love them a lot. i was also lucky to have an amazing guy in my life, who was there through everything, including when i got diagnosed and i remember being scared, scared that i wasnt me anymore, but he reminded me everyday that i was, and for that il always be greatful, and i hope he knows that. so dont forget even when things feel like they are at their worst, theres always people who love you and will be there for you and they will remind you of who you really are. and one of the things i do when things feel really bad is watch the films that are incredibly cheesy and stupid because for as long as that films is i feel a little bit brighter and i guess happy for as long as that film is on.

lately one of the things i have found help me the most is dancing. at my dance school their is a choreographic competition, and me and one of my best friends are making a dance. at first i was super competitive but now i realise thats not why im doing it, im doing it because i love dancing and the way it makes me feel. how when im dancing for myself, as cheesy as that sounds, i forget to be sad and i feel happy. so its important to find something that your passionate about that makes you feel happy even if its only for a couple of minutes because thats all the matters, and when you have that its possible to see that depression doesnt make you, its an illness that might not go away forever, but there are things you can do to make it easier.


heres the link i was talking about: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin

Depression

So I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while, but never did because to be honest I never really thought I was that interesting. but recently I've started talking about something that is very important to me and i briefly mentioned it on facebook and got an amazing response, so i've decided that im going to write about it more often, so here it goes...

Depression is a funny word. you here it used a lot in everyday life but i dont think people really understand what its like to have depression, they just casually throw the word around, as if there is no deeper meaning than being a little bit sad. but its not just feeling sad its more than that its as if there is a physical force pushing down on you every minute of the day, constantly questioning everything that you do. its more than sadness, its more than feeling a little down. its hard to explain and i think that is why there is a stigma surrounding it, so i apologise now if this comes across a bit wouldn't rambley (also i dont think that is a word so must apologise again). i have suffered with depression for years and at first i hid that fact because i thought i should be ashamed, i mean im 22 what do i have to be depressed about right? well thats not how it works, depression happens to anyone of any age, sex, race, religion, any one can have it so im asking you (if anyone takes the time to read this) to never say what do you have to be depressed about. as iv said depression is like a physical being, and because of that sometimes people need to take a day off and stay in bed, not because they are lazy but because they need to take the time to recover both mentally and physically.

i have been incredibly lucky to be blessed with the people i have in my life, my family and friends who have stood by me through all the dark times slowly helping me feel myself again. and now more than ever, as i struggle with depression i want raise awareness of mental health because it is not talked about enough and there is still a stigma. a mental illness can be just as damaging as any illness that you can see. so before you judge someone for having depression, take a step back and think do i really understand what its like? and maybe try to imagine yourself in their position.