The last 6 months havent been the easiest. everything has changed and keeps changing, nothing is how it was. i guess what i find hard is that i dont like change, well no one does not that i know of. but change has to happen, things cant stay how they are because that is not how life works. its especially hard when you think you have life sorted, you know what your future holds and your excited, but i guess we are not meant to have everything planned from the beginning. i dont know im not every sure that im making much sense, so let me start again...
i had my life planned and i knew exactly what was going to happen, i was in love, i loved uni and knew what i wanted to happen when i left, i new i was going to move away, have an amazing job and be with the person i loved most. but maybe one person doesnt deserve all that happiness at once, or maybe im simply to young i dont know the reason but it didnt last. and since that moment in time i have questioned my decision every single day and wondered would i change it? im not sure that i would but i wish some of the things that happened after would change. i never knew up until this point how amazing the people i have in my life are. i guess its easy to take people for granted, just expect that to be there but thats not the case. i truly have some incredible friends and i dont think i can ever thank them enough, through everything and especially the hard times where i felt barely human they have helped me get up and keep moving. it is at times like these that you realise there are some incredible people in this world.
i was more than lucky and i still am its just the change that is hard and it is the letting go that is even harder. i need to move on with my life and i know that more than anything but once i have made that step there is no going back and im scared, i have never been more scared in my life to take that step towards my future. people tell me im brave and strong all the time because of how i handle everything that is thrown at me, but im not, im neither of those things im simply scraping by every single day or thats what it feels like.
but we all have to move on eventually, bad things happen to everyone and they deal with it. im surrounded by some truly inspirational people who have had some of the worst things happen to them and they dont let that stop them. everyday for the last four years i have watched my dad struggle with an illness that none of us really understand, no doctor has given us a definitive diagnosis but everyday he gets up and gets on with it, he may complain and be grumpy but then he deserves that, he gets to complain when he is in pain and is grumpy i dont think we can take that away from him.
and i was truly lucky to have something that felt truly special for five years with an amazing person and now its over and i guess i need to start letting it go, and im trying i really am but life i guess doesnt work like that and emotions dont but i will let go and i will move on because life makes us. and i guess what im trying to say is i am truly grateful to all the people in my life you have helped and listened and just been there.
my depression hasnt helped and i know at times i can be a complete bitch and lash out at who ever is near and especially at those who i love the most but even so there are still there for me. and they understand that at times im my happy bright self but at times im not and i just need space. one of the hardest things for me has been the not sleeping. i never use to have this problem as im the sort of person who can sleep anywhere at anytime no matter what. but the last 5 days iv hardly slept, iv been getting maybe two hours sleep and its the worse because its almost as though you can function or hear properly because every movement takes so much energy, something that you dont have. there is medication, sleeping pills can help and i have them but i didnt this time because its something that i want to deal with on my own, if i can sort my sleeping out without medication that it feels like a victory.
i think this blog post might be a bit rambly (still not sure this is a word but i like it), but i guess all im trying to say change is hard and so is moving on and people tell you when you should start moving as if its a recognised date but i dont believe that, i think you should only move on when your ready and you have done everything you can in the mean time, and i guess i have iv given my all and im not sure what i have left. but i wont be rushed i will take my time and will slowly find happiness that deserve cause in the end everyone deserves to be happy. and although there may be hateful words in the process of that happiness and what feels like hatred that will fade and become the past. but i will never forget those five years of what felt like perfect happiness but i know i dont want to continue in i guess what you could call self torture because i know that i deserve better. and my depression and my past will not get in my way and i will always have my beautiful friends and family, who i will always love.
so thank you for everything.
Wednesday 18 March 2015
Sunday 1 March 2015
No.2
So i got some amazing feed back on my last post and all of my friends were incredibly supportive and said that i should carry on writing as it helps me but it also helps others understand what its like having depression. i dont plan only on writing about depression, but one of my amazing friends suggested that i write what i do when im feeling really down to help others who might also be in a bad place and i liked that idea so thats what im going to do also.
many people dont talk about having depression because they think it makes them sound crazy, but having depression and anxiety does not make you crazy, it simply means that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. in fact if you type serotonin into google it will come up with a number of links to serotonin levels and how it can affect depression. i shall put the link at the end of my post. depression doesnt happen to certain people it can happen to anybody as i've realised in the last few days. it can make you feel numb no matter what amazing things might be happening around you, you may smile but inside theres nothing just emptiness. and then with the emptiness theres the never ending feeling of sadness, and the worst part is half the time you dont know why your sad. the sadness just surrounds you, making you feel like someone is physically pushing you down, almost as if your drowning and all you can do is hide under your duvet and hope it will go away, and sometimes it does, sometimes it will last a day, other times a week and when things are really bad it can last longer months. often to add to the depression, theres anxiety, always worrying, getting anxious about the smallest things.
these are things that i feel all the time, i can say one thing to a person and then i will obsess for days about it, worrying i have upset them said the wrong thing, panic they hate me, that everyone will hate me. and because of this i can come across as cold or i dunno bitchy or full of myself. but im not, well i hope im not, most of the time it is a front to protect myself because i dont feel strong on the inside and as sad as it sounds all i want is to be liked. but i know most of the time that it is just my insecurity talking and that i am stronger than that. so if you have any feelings similar to this than there is nothing wrong with that and it doesnt mean that you are crazy, and its not something to be ashamed of.
as iv mentioned before im really lucky to have some truly incredible people in my life who are always there, who when things are bad i know are a phone call away. also my family are pretty damn awesome and i love them a lot. i was also lucky to have an amazing guy in my life, who was there through everything, including when i got diagnosed and i remember being scared, scared that i wasnt me anymore, but he reminded me everyday that i was, and for that il always be greatful, and i hope he knows that. so dont forget even when things feel like they are at their worst, theres always people who love you and will be there for you and they will remind you of who you really are. and one of the things i do when things feel really bad is watch the films that are incredibly cheesy and stupid because for as long as that films is i feel a little bit brighter and i guess happy for as long as that film is on.
lately one of the things i have found help me the most is dancing. at my dance school their is a choreographic competition, and me and one of my best friends are making a dance. at first i was super competitive but now i realise thats not why im doing it, im doing it because i love dancing and the way it makes me feel. how when im dancing for myself, as cheesy as that sounds, i forget to be sad and i feel happy. so its important to find something that your passionate about that makes you feel happy even if its only for a couple of minutes because thats all the matters, and when you have that its possible to see that depression doesnt make you, its an illness that might not go away forever, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
heres the link i was talking about: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin
many people dont talk about having depression because they think it makes them sound crazy, but having depression and anxiety does not make you crazy, it simply means that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. in fact if you type serotonin into google it will come up with a number of links to serotonin levels and how it can affect depression. i shall put the link at the end of my post. depression doesnt happen to certain people it can happen to anybody as i've realised in the last few days. it can make you feel numb no matter what amazing things might be happening around you, you may smile but inside theres nothing just emptiness. and then with the emptiness theres the never ending feeling of sadness, and the worst part is half the time you dont know why your sad. the sadness just surrounds you, making you feel like someone is physically pushing you down, almost as if your drowning and all you can do is hide under your duvet and hope it will go away, and sometimes it does, sometimes it will last a day, other times a week and when things are really bad it can last longer months. often to add to the depression, theres anxiety, always worrying, getting anxious about the smallest things.
these are things that i feel all the time, i can say one thing to a person and then i will obsess for days about it, worrying i have upset them said the wrong thing, panic they hate me, that everyone will hate me. and because of this i can come across as cold or i dunno bitchy or full of myself. but im not, well i hope im not, most of the time it is a front to protect myself because i dont feel strong on the inside and as sad as it sounds all i want is to be liked. but i know most of the time that it is just my insecurity talking and that i am stronger than that. so if you have any feelings similar to this than there is nothing wrong with that and it doesnt mean that you are crazy, and its not something to be ashamed of.
as iv mentioned before im really lucky to have some truly incredible people in my life who are always there, who when things are bad i know are a phone call away. also my family are pretty damn awesome and i love them a lot. i was also lucky to have an amazing guy in my life, who was there through everything, including when i got diagnosed and i remember being scared, scared that i wasnt me anymore, but he reminded me everyday that i was, and for that il always be greatful, and i hope he knows that. so dont forget even when things feel like they are at their worst, theres always people who love you and will be there for you and they will remind you of who you really are. and one of the things i do when things feel really bad is watch the films that are incredibly cheesy and stupid because for as long as that films is i feel a little bit brighter and i guess happy for as long as that film is on.
lately one of the things i have found help me the most is dancing. at my dance school their is a choreographic competition, and me and one of my best friends are making a dance. at first i was super competitive but now i realise thats not why im doing it, im doing it because i love dancing and the way it makes me feel. how when im dancing for myself, as cheesy as that sounds, i forget to be sad and i feel happy. so its important to find something that your passionate about that makes you feel happy even if its only for a couple of minutes because thats all the matters, and when you have that its possible to see that depression doesnt make you, its an illness that might not go away forever, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
heres the link i was talking about: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin
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