the end...

so i guess the title of this post sounds a bit ominous, and i guess it is a little. first of before we get any further, remember that i am happy and am currently in a very good place and maybe thats why i finally feel brave enough to tell the truth. but i have wanted to write this post for a while but its not the easiest of topics to well discuss i guess you could say. and something happened today that made me think that maybe we should talk about it more.

i would say that it is one of the worse aspects of depression, one that theres no going back from but sometimes it is the only way people know how to escape the pain. but as i said theres no going back. if you havent guessed already im talking about suicide. when most people hear that word it makes people think of weakness, but when i hear it i think of someone going through the worst pain they know and not knowing what to do about it, believing that it is the only way out. and i guess one of the reasons i started this blog in the first place is to talk about depression and what it is like living with it. if you met me you would probably describe me as a bubbly, kinda smart and awkward 22year old, but im more than that. im anxious in social situations, i can be incredibly sad to the point that i simply cant move, i just lie in bed staring and refuse to eat. depression manifests itself in so many ways, and sometimes theres no stopping it. sometimes its as though it will never end, that the sadness is all there is left of you, gone is that bright bubbly girl. and that is when the thoughts kick in. before you say anything i have never once attempted to commit suicide. but i have certainly had thoughts that were beyond painful, but i took the steps i needed to and told someone, and that night my mum held me as i cried more than i have ever cried and told her i couldnt handle being sad anymore that i just want to be me again, and i know it broke her heart and i know she wished she could take it away for me. but both her and my dad were strong for me that i got through it, that i went to the doctors and sorted myself out.

some people are not that lucky, the help they need doesnt get there in time. but it is important to remember that there is a difference between having dark thoughts and actually acting on them, but please if you ever have those thoughts talk to someone. tell someone, even if its a stranger that your not sure you can cope on your own anymore. some people might run away, they might be scared of the truth of how bad your depression is but others will stand by you, hold your hand, spend the night with you if thats what you need to just simply get you through that day.

i think the problem with depression is that because its a mental illness and cant be seen people dont always acknowledge it. but in some cases thats not true, sometimes it leaves evidence in the form of scars on your arms, even if you are very good at hiding them. sometimes its the only way people feel able to let the pain out, but its not the only way there are so many ways to help, to escape the numb all encompassing weight that you carry around with you. if you ever find yourself in this situation put on some trainers and run or walk because afterwards you will so much better. and dont be scared to tell people. and i know its scary to see the anger or pity in their eyes but if they love you, you wont see it, they may simply just tell you they love you or say they are here for you.

if you are ever in this situation call someone and ask for help. there are so many numbers out there that can help. il put some links at the end. but what i want you to remember, those of you who read this blog, is that you are so strong and so brave and you are going to be okay. it may be difficult and you will have days where it is unbearable but your an amazing beautiful person that makes the loves of those around you that bit brighter, so get help. and sometimes all you need to do is talk.

i found this quote and i really like it cause its how i feel about myself sometimes, and it might help others when it feels like the world is against you.
"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places". Ernest Hemingway

so remember, things will get better, and despite the sadness life can be exciting and sometimes it takes getting through the very worst things life can throw at us that we discover who we truly are and what we are meant to do on this strange planet.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/

memories....

iv been thinking about writing this post all day while standing at working cleaning and making coffees all these thoughts came into my head but now that its come to it iv forgotten most of it. it probably doesnt help that its 11.15 at night, i have to get up crazy early for a train in the morning and im not sure that i have gotten over the weekend.

but speaking of this weekend it was thinking about this at work that got me thinking of other things. basically i went out this weekend and got insanely drunk with some of the best people i know! i am fairly certain that when i woke up on sunday that i was still drunk and when i looked through my phone with my friend who had stayed at all the pictures we took especially her as most of them are of her face i couldnt stop laughing. it could have been the alcohol still in my system and the lack of sleep  but i think it may have been because of a fun night. we also discovered that there is such thing as a trolleyturnup, (theres meant to be a hashtag but i cant seem to find it on my laptop!) who knew huh? but the point of this post is not about the night out itself but rather the people i was with. i think its when you have been through times that arent the easiest or there has been a massive change that you begin to realise the amazing people around you. and i know i talk about this a lot but it is so easy to forget but on saturday i really did think, my friend simply are the best despite the large number of shots they made me do for saying a word that had been banned! but despite the hangover it was worth it for the memories and i am pleased to say that i remember the whole night.

i think its easy to forget that we are young and to grow up too quickly. thats not always a bad think but i know from personal experience i have always acted older than i am, and iv been happy, but now i simply want to have fun, say stupid things, do equally stupids things and make mistakes! life isnt perfect, its never going to be because then it would be too easy. and also i think a perfect life would get boring.

i know that im a little bit crazy, insecure and crazy awkward in social situations, im the one who trys to be funny sometimes and people dont get it but thats what makes me, me and im learning to love that. but what i have also realised is that my friends are also a little bit crazy, but they are also funny, kind and loyal. and its because of them that im  beginning to come out of my shell a little, that im showing more of who i really am. i guess you could say im shy but when i really know someone the weirdest shit comes out of my mouth. but despite this im lucky to have amazing friends. and it is with these people that i am making new awesome memories.

because when we are older, married, settled down and whatever it is these memories that we are going to have. i have some amazing memories from the last five years, venice for my 21st, rome, being with someone who i loved and made me feel special. but now i feel like i am finally ready to move on and make new memories with some of my favourite people. i will always treasure those memories, but its good to let go of the past. it is our past that makes us the people that we are today, how we were at school, in our teens, our first kiss, our first serious relationship and our first break up, but it is how we deal with all of this, as well as the people in our lives that change us, and make us the decent human beings we hope we are.

so look at the past and remember but we are always making new memories, although sometimes in the case of alcohol it can be hard to remember them, and that is what makes life exciting doing crazy things, making mistakes and not knowing whats going to happen next. oh and remember it is your insecurities that make you, just dont let them overpower you cause most of the time it isnt worth it, and all those people in your life love you for who you are, awkwardness and all.

relationships...

relationships are a funny thing, whether they be a friendship or romantic. in some cases they are one and the same. you put you all into it, you love, your trust, your happiness and it can be amazing it can last forever, or it can simply end. i see a lot of things on facebook that say if you are friends with someone for more than 7 years it will last a life time. in some cases this is true. i am incredibly lucky to say that i have this, we can spend months not talking but get us in a room together and you wouldnt know, and they are the people i know will always have my back, whether that means staying at my house when the thought of being alone is too scary, tidying my room because i simply cant do it or getting my drunk and texting me how amazing i am, i always know without a doubt they love me. and for that i dont think i could ever repay them, and hopefully they know how much they mean to me. sometimes, however, its the people who come into your life at the hardest of times that can be the most amazing of friends, sending pictures that will make you laugh, or stupid cat videos, listening to you rant, or buying you cake and tea and letting you cry. i really am lucky to have these amazing people in my life and i dont think i would have gotten through this past year without them, because i only have so much strength to deal with everyday life, and they have given me so much hope.

so in all im lucky i guess thats what im trying to say.

romantic relationships i guess are another thing. it is easy to think that what you have is the best thing your ever going to get. recently a lot of people around me have gone through break ups, just as i have, and it sucks. whether you were the one to do the breaking up or not it still hurts and it still feels like the end of your world. but all i can say to people is it can only get better. there are bigger things waiting for you out there. so i know it hurts, i mean its been most of a year since it happened and i still find it hard, but bad things happen so that you can do bigger and brighter things and so that you can meet that person who makes you truly happy. someone despite your many problems, despite feeling sad, depressed or anxious in normal situations will stand by you. people change and grow all the time, and some people deal with heartbreak, change, or simply life in different ways. but one thing i believe in is honesty, always be honest and true to everyone in your life, and sometimes that means hurting them but it will hurt less than lying. always be thankful for what you had, whether thats romantically or in a friendship, because at that time when you had them in your life, it was happy and true, but it might just not be what you need or want anymore. and dont feel pressured to move on, everyone moves at different paces, some people can meet someone new straight away but others cant, and it might seem selfish of them or as though what you had meant nothing, but sometimes thats how people deal with things and thats okay. i keep thinking iv moved on and then i think i havent, but that just makes me me and im okay with that. just do what you need to do to make yourself happy, whatever that might be.

and in all honesty its kind of exciting not knowing what the future holds, who we might meet and the adventures we might have! i mean i went away last year for 5 weeks not knowing anyone and i met some truly amazing people and had the most amazing time. so do look back and remember what you had but look to the future because theres so much to look forward and do some crazy stupid things while your young.

and remember that your always surrounded by people who love you such as family and friends, and if they are anything like mine they might be slightly crazy but they are also crazy loyal and have got me through both this break up and the depression that has plagued me the last few months. and they will be there for you too, and you wont even have to ask them to be.