the end...

so i guess the title of this post sounds a bit ominous, and i guess it is a little. first of before we get any further, remember that i am happy and am currently in a very good place and maybe thats why i finally feel brave enough to tell the truth. but i have wanted to write this post for a while but its not the easiest of topics to well discuss i guess you could say. and something happened today that made me think that maybe we should talk about it more.

i would say that it is one of the worse aspects of depression, one that theres no going back from but sometimes it is the only way people know how to escape the pain. but as i said theres no going back. if you havent guessed already im talking about suicide. when most people hear that word it makes people think of weakness, but when i hear it i think of someone going through the worst pain they know and not knowing what to do about it, believing that it is the only way out. and i guess one of the reasons i started this blog in the first place is to talk about depression and what it is like living with it. if you met me you would probably describe me as a bubbly, kinda smart and awkward 22year old, but im more than that. im anxious in social situations, i can be incredibly sad to the point that i simply cant move, i just lie in bed staring and refuse to eat. depression manifests itself in so many ways, and sometimes theres no stopping it. sometimes its as though it will never end, that the sadness is all there is left of you, gone is that bright bubbly girl. and that is when the thoughts kick in. before you say anything i have never once attempted to commit suicide. but i have certainly had thoughts that were beyond painful, but i took the steps i needed to and told someone, and that night my mum held me as i cried more than i have ever cried and told her i couldnt handle being sad anymore that i just want to be me again, and i know it broke her heart and i know she wished she could take it away for me. but both her and my dad were strong for me that i got through it, that i went to the doctors and sorted myself out.

some people are not that lucky, the help they need doesnt get there in time. but it is important to remember that there is a difference between having dark thoughts and actually acting on them, but please if you ever have those thoughts talk to someone. tell someone, even if its a stranger that your not sure you can cope on your own anymore. some people might run away, they might be scared of the truth of how bad your depression is but others will stand by you, hold your hand, spend the night with you if thats what you need to just simply get you through that day.

i think the problem with depression is that because its a mental illness and cant be seen people dont always acknowledge it. but in some cases thats not true, sometimes it leaves evidence in the form of scars on your arms, even if you are very good at hiding them. sometimes its the only way people feel able to let the pain out, but its not the only way there are so many ways to help, to escape the numb all encompassing weight that you carry around with you. if you ever find yourself in this situation put on some trainers and run or walk because afterwards you will so much better. and dont be scared to tell people. and i know its scary to see the anger or pity in their eyes but if they love you, you wont see it, they may simply just tell you they love you or say they are here for you.

if you are ever in this situation call someone and ask for help. there are so many numbers out there that can help. il put some links at the end. but what i want you to remember, those of you who read this blog, is that you are so strong and so brave and you are going to be okay. it may be difficult and you will have days where it is unbearable but your an amazing beautiful person that makes the loves of those around you that bit brighter, so get help. and sometimes all you need to do is talk.

i found this quote and i really like it cause its how i feel about myself sometimes, and it might help others when it feels like the world is against you.
"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places". Ernest Hemingway

so remember, things will get better, and despite the sadness life can be exciting and sometimes it takes getting through the very worst things life can throw at us that we discover who we truly are and what we are meant to do on this strange planet.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/