Everything will be okay.

so its been a pretty hard few days, and i guess that fairly obvious. what i wasnt expecting was the support and love that i received. especially the messages from people i havent spoken too for years. it was amazing hearing from them today and for them to tell me that they are there for me, its amazing how it can add a little light to a bad day. i never realised how fortunate i was to have the people around me that i do and i know i say this a lot but its true. my lecturers have been amazingly supportive and it feels so good to be at a university that truly care about their students, it makes it just that be easier to be honest about my depression. i use to be so ashamed thinking i shouldnt be sad, im so lucky but i realised pretty quickly thats not how it works, it is simply a problem with the chemicals in my brain and theres not much i can do about that. theres no quick cure, well there is medication but its not certain that they will work. in most cases it is something that you will have for life. a permanent presence that can sneak up on you when you least expecting it.

the one thing i have learnt in the 4years since i was diagnosed is its okay to have days where you dont get out of bed. thats fine if you need that time take it, your ill and sometimes rest is the answer to that illness. and as i said in my last post its okay to admit that your struggling, to tell those around you that you need help, that your not sure you can do this alone. i have also found that sometimes its the people you dont expect to be the ones that gives you the words to get you through that day. one thing that i know helps me is splitting my day into little goals and sometimes those goals are eat breakfast or wash, and once who have achieved those small goals it feels good. my mum tried to encourage me to sort my clothes out but i think she knew that that wasnt going to happen, so my goal for the morning is going for a walk around the town. so in the morning that whats im going to aim to do. exercise is one of the few things that makes me feel better, mainly dancing and tonight i went to dance and actually using my body put me in a better frame of mind, made me realise as i walked home from the train station that things will work out. il find my happiness

im a big believer in taking chances. this blog was a chance that i was scared to take, to let the world into my slightly strange mind, and my depression something that iv kept secret. but i dont regret it, not because i want peoples support but because im hoping that it helps people understand what its like living with depression. however, back to my point, i believe in taking chances and putting your heart out there so thats what iv done, and will it work out who knows probably not but i know i will never look back and regret it. things happen good or bad but they happen for a reason im sure thats true and people believe in fate but sometimes you need to make your own fate, you need to take a look at your life and think, i get to choose what happens no one else. and despite all of my problems and despite my world having changed massively im going to start to try and make the decisions in my life, not let other people do that for me. so to anyone out there reading this, everything will be okay, you will be happy but sometimes you have to take the bad first. and also when things are bad chocolate and ice-cream can really help make things better.

so im going to try and look forward and fight through this really hard days, and im going to put a smile on my face and eat cake. i can get through this and so can any of you. and its so important to remember how strong you are and dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Admitting your not okay

sometimes it feels as though the world around you is breaking down, as though everything you know has changed and even the colours are in reverse. it is at times like these that it is easy to break. it is a times like these that it feels as though you entire body is breaking into small pieces and if your not careful the wind will blow you away. it doesnt happen often but when it does it can be scary. it can be scary to see how much darkness you can feel inside and how you cant see the world as it really is. iv had this feeling many times before and i say to myself its going to be okay. i can get though this, one step at a time, simply put my make-up on and attempt a smile. but sometimes people can see through this mask and can see whats really below the surface. personally i dont like talking to people not anymore. i find if i rely to much on one person they will eventually leave. so through everything i have been through i have put on a face and a smile and held my head up high and continued as if nothing has happened. i shut people out and pretend. i guess its pretty obvious to say that this doesnt work for long. eventually there will be one to many things to happen and then you break. and when you break it can be either a good thing or a bad.
im beginning to learn that its okay to lean on people, that not everyone will walk out on you, that some people are there for you through everything, even if that means sitting eating ice-cream watching the worse films possible. im lucky that i have many people in my life that will do that for me because its hard being in a dark place by yourself. depression is such an isolating illness, and it can be almost impossible to see the light sometimes.  but recently i have had to pick myself up more times than i can count. to say iv had a pretty awful 2015 so far is an understatement but one of many things i have learnt lately is that i am strong, stronger than i give myself credit. so any of you going through this remember that you are so strong, that everyday when you feel like you cant do it, by simply trying you are doing more than anyone will ever understand. people with depression are brave and so strong and admitting your not okay can be the hardest thing to do.

i have so many people in my life that i didnt even realise who are there for me in so many ways that i know for a fact that i dont say thank you enough. i hope if any of you are reading this you know who you are, and how much you mean to me.

i know that in my case i have let things go on for too long before admitting that i wasnt doing so great. that i let my depression get so bad that i started hating doing the things i love so much. but im going to try and change that and find my happiness again. cause we all deserve to be happy, and i wont let people or a bad beginning to the year get in my way. and no one should ever let that happen to themselves. sometimes finding your own happiness can lead to someone elses unhappiness  and i know this better than most, but if thats the case honesty is always the best way.

so i guess this post is about it being okay to admit that your not happy, that things are really bad. and thats what im doing, finally admitting the truth to myself and those around me but i know that i can pick myself up again and be stronger than ever.