Admitting your not okay

sometimes it feels as though the world around you is breaking down, as though everything you know has changed and even the colours are in reverse. it is at times like these that it is easy to break. it is a times like these that it feels as though you entire body is breaking into small pieces and if your not careful the wind will blow you away. it doesnt happen often but when it does it can be scary. it can be scary to see how much darkness you can feel inside and how you cant see the world as it really is. iv had this feeling many times before and i say to myself its going to be okay. i can get though this, one step at a time, simply put my make-up on and attempt a smile. but sometimes people can see through this mask and can see whats really below the surface. personally i dont like talking to people not anymore. i find if i rely to much on one person they will eventually leave. so through everything i have been through i have put on a face and a smile and held my head up high and continued as if nothing has happened. i shut people out and pretend. i guess its pretty obvious to say that this doesnt work for long. eventually there will be one to many things to happen and then you break. and when you break it can be either a good thing or a bad.
im beginning to learn that its okay to lean on people, that not everyone will walk out on you, that some people are there for you through everything, even if that means sitting eating ice-cream watching the worse films possible. im lucky that i have many people in my life that will do that for me because its hard being in a dark place by yourself. depression is such an isolating illness, and it can be almost impossible to see the light sometimes.  but recently i have had to pick myself up more times than i can count. to say iv had a pretty awful 2015 so far is an understatement but one of many things i have learnt lately is that i am strong, stronger than i give myself credit. so any of you going through this remember that you are so strong, that everyday when you feel like you cant do it, by simply trying you are doing more than anyone will ever understand. people with depression are brave and so strong and admitting your not okay can be the hardest thing to do.

i have so many people in my life that i didnt even realise who are there for me in so many ways that i know for a fact that i dont say thank you enough. i hope if any of you are reading this you know who you are, and how much you mean to me.

i know that in my case i have let things go on for too long before admitting that i wasnt doing so great. that i let my depression get so bad that i started hating doing the things i love so much. but im going to try and change that and find my happiness again. cause we all deserve to be happy, and i wont let people or a bad beginning to the year get in my way. and no one should ever let that happen to themselves. sometimes finding your own happiness can lead to someone elses unhappiness  and i know this better than most, but if thats the case honesty is always the best way.

so i guess this post is about it being okay to admit that your not happy, that things are really bad. and thats what im doing, finally admitting the truth to myself and those around me but i know that i can pick myself up again and be stronger than ever.