7

sometimes we get to a point in our lives when we just dont know where we are going anymore, or even who we are. in a way im at that point. i know what i want to do, that i want to be a forensic anthropologist and work with the police and live in London, maybe work abroad for a while. but its getting to that point that is that hard part. im doing a degree that i love but with all the problems iv had iv never been more scared that i will fail and let everyone down, especially myself. however, i know that i can do it, its just starting thats the hard part. i tried to write a blog post last night, and deleted about 5 different versions because my thoughts were simply to jumbled to get out.

im at a point in my life where i have had a lot of change and have probably had my worst bout of depression since first being diagnosed or my second year of uni. the thing that i have found the hardest is picking myself back up again and i feel that i am slowly doing that everyday. sometimes the best way is by channeling all of your energy into something positive. so in the last few weeks i have dyed my hair pink and gotten a tattoo. they might seem a little extreme but the tattoo at least marks a point in my life where im trying to make positive changes and cope better with my depression. one thing i worry about a lot is that my depression becomes who i am. that when people look at me they see someone who is constantly trying to hide the sadness that they feel. and its true what they say that often the happiest people are the saddest because i would say on a whole im a happy person, admittedly very awkward and often say stupid things that i then regret but happy. however, i have become an expert at hiding how im truly feeling, i dont like to let people know that im sad or that im not sleeping or eating and some people say thats because im strong but i dont think thats it, i think in many cases people feel its weakness to admit they way they truly feel, that by admitting it they are no longer strong. maybe thats just the way i feel i dont know but i dont like to give into it because once i have i know that sometimes there is no going back and that i will be in this dark place until i can find that strength to pull myself out again. many people describe depression as a dark cloud or a black dog that follows you every where you go and its a fairly accurate idea, everyone suffers in different ways, but for me it almost feels like a different personality like another person has taken over my body and is telling me that im sad even though there is no reason for it.

im sure a lot of this doesnt make sense and i apologise now because i know i can ramble, but i hope in some way i can help explain they way depression can work. one thing i have started doing is exercising. sometimes i only do 15minutes of intense workout others i do longer and less intense but the difference it makes is amazing, it makes me feel like a different person. so even if you dont feel like it and your at your lowest point go for a walk or a slow jog or do yoga because it helps. exercise realises serotonin into your brain which creates a feeling of happiness. there are a lot of articles out there if your interested but it honestly does help. on the different occasions that iv had therapy they recommended it as a way of helping anxiety and depression.

so if like me you dont know where you life is going and are unsure of everything right now, its going to be okay, just take one step in front of the other and look after yourself. and if you need to take a day off in bed do because sometimes you need that more than you need to do anything else. and this is something im learning, depression doesnt make you, there are so many other bigger and brighter things that make you the person you are. no one is perfect no matter how hard they try.

so to end my rambling blog here is a quote i found and love: "I wish i could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being" - Hafzig