Fear

i havent written for a long time, i felt i couldnt. the last time i tried i was hurting too much. i didnt know how to process my feelings, how people carry on after losing people they love. but carry on we did, all of us. it hurt, it still hurts and sometimes its the small things like a card on your birthday and of course christmas brings everything to the surface. but our family are what make us. and my family is strong and stubborn and most of all there for each other every step of the way.

im lucky, iv said this many times before but my family are always there, telling me your doing a good job everything is going to be okay. and im thankful for that because sometimes im scared. i get this sick feeling that wont go away, sometimes theres a part of my brain thats telling me things wont stay this good for long, that things will always go wrong. iv had a hard year but somehow i have made it through but there have been times when i simply didnt think i could take any more. anxiety levels have gotten scarily high and it was at these times that i though maybe this is it. maybe the sadness the black depression was coming back and i cant go back because last time i was scared at where my mind took me. to think that you dont think you can carry on with the life you living is a feeling that cant be explained. its desperate and dark and suffocating and all kinds of painful and because of that i will always be scared to go back there. i over came it, but i know that i will be living with this fear always. its part of who i am, its what makes me, me. i like me, with all my flaws and awkwardness im learning that its okay. but its important to acknowledge that fear so that if you see or feel the warning signs or the triggers that you can take a moment to simply breath. and say im not okay right now but i will be.

this will always be a part of me and to mark that i had a semicolon tattooed behind my ear, its rarely seen because of my hair but its not to be seen its a reminder for me. to remind myself iv gotten this far and no matter how bad it gets i will fight my hardest to get through it. despite the fear and anxiety i will always try. with the help of my family and friends.

one step at a time

never alone

today is World Suicide Prevention Day, a day that is truly important. mental health has long been a taboo subject, something that people dont talk about due to fear of being thought as being crazy, a bit of a freak and all of the above. finally people are beginning to talk about it more, tell people their stories and tell the world what its really like.

it is easy to think that you are alone, that there is no one to help or understand or simply to stick by you when things are truly shit. this world is a cruel place, bad things happen to good people, to the old, to the young, there is no discrimination. sometimes it feels as though there is no coming back from the bad. sometimes it feels as though the bad horrible darkness will simply swallow you whole. it takes everything you love and enjoy a way step by step till your alone and scared and dont know what to do. and there is nothing scarier. sometimes you simply feel nothing, hear nothing, just feel like a shell of a human. there is nothing worse than that feeling. there is nothing worse then waking up in the morning and thinking do i really have to do this again.

people will tell you that you are amazing, brave, strong, a beautiful person in all ways but that doesnt mean that you hear it. but just because you dont hear it or dont believe it, it doesnt mean its not true. everyone in this world is unique and experiences this world in their own special world. and every single person should know that they are special. hearing that its going to get better might at the time feel like the worse thing to ever hear, and believe me i know how bloody annoying it can be to be told that but it will. you are never alone and often it can take one person who will make you realise that. and as cheesy as this sounds that person might be you. everyone deserve to know that they are special and amazing and beautiful. and to have faith. faith in that you can get through the dark, numb feelings. it wont be easy and it might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but when you do, you will realise how strong you are.

there might be times when you think, i cant do it anymore, iv been there, and i cried and i broke down, stopped eating properly, didnt sleep for days or slept too much, and it was one of the worse times of my life, but you can get through it. and there have been times since where things started getting bad again, when i simply thought this is it, this is what my life is going to be, long periods of time where dark and sad and horrible with intermittent moments of happiness. but i took one step at a time and im happy again. i know that i will probably face this my whole life, and thats okay, its who i am and im no longer ashamed of that.

it will be hard and there will be times when it feels like maybe its not worth it anymore. but take a step back and look at yourself, because i promise you, you are loved by someone. and there will always always be someone who can help.

on a day like today, it is important to remember that anyone can be suffering, feeling scarred and alone and it is so important that we remind each other that there is something uniquely special about us, and that no one is alone.

if you have ever felt like it was all too much please find help, and trust me when i say this someone will be there for you.

im going to leave you with one of my favourite quotes which i have above my mirror when things get bad, because it makes me want to be strong when i feel as though the world is against me.

"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards some are strong at the broken places" Earnest Hemingway

Theres always someone who will listen:
www.samaritans.org

the end...

so i guess the title of this post sounds a bit ominous, and i guess it is a little. first of before we get any further, remember that i am happy and am currently in a very good place and maybe thats why i finally feel brave enough to tell the truth. but i have wanted to write this post for a while but its not the easiest of topics to well discuss i guess you could say. and something happened today that made me think that maybe we should talk about it more.

i would say that it is one of the worse aspects of depression, one that theres no going back from but sometimes it is the only way people know how to escape the pain. but as i said theres no going back. if you havent guessed already im talking about suicide. when most people hear that word it makes people think of weakness, but when i hear it i think of someone going through the worst pain they know and not knowing what to do about it, believing that it is the only way out. and i guess one of the reasons i started this blog in the first place is to talk about depression and what it is like living with it. if you met me you would probably describe me as a bubbly, kinda smart and awkward 22year old, but im more than that. im anxious in social situations, i can be incredibly sad to the point that i simply cant move, i just lie in bed staring and refuse to eat. depression manifests itself in so many ways, and sometimes theres no stopping it. sometimes its as though it will never end, that the sadness is all there is left of you, gone is that bright bubbly girl. and that is when the thoughts kick in. before you say anything i have never once attempted to commit suicide. but i have certainly had thoughts that were beyond painful, but i took the steps i needed to and told someone, and that night my mum held me as i cried more than i have ever cried and told her i couldnt handle being sad anymore that i just want to be me again, and i know it broke her heart and i know she wished she could take it away for me. but both her and my dad were strong for me that i got through it, that i went to the doctors and sorted myself out.

some people are not that lucky, the help they need doesnt get there in time. but it is important to remember that there is a difference between having dark thoughts and actually acting on them, but please if you ever have those thoughts talk to someone. tell someone, even if its a stranger that your not sure you can cope on your own anymore. some people might run away, they might be scared of the truth of how bad your depression is but others will stand by you, hold your hand, spend the night with you if thats what you need to just simply get you through that day.

i think the problem with depression is that because its a mental illness and cant be seen people dont always acknowledge it. but in some cases thats not true, sometimes it leaves evidence in the form of scars on your arms, even if you are very good at hiding them. sometimes its the only way people feel able to let the pain out, but its not the only way there are so many ways to help, to escape the numb all encompassing weight that you carry around with you. if you ever find yourself in this situation put on some trainers and run or walk because afterwards you will so much better. and dont be scared to tell people. and i know its scary to see the anger or pity in their eyes but if they love you, you wont see it, they may simply just tell you they love you or say they are here for you.

if you are ever in this situation call someone and ask for help. there are so many numbers out there that can help. il put some links at the end. but what i want you to remember, those of you who read this blog, is that you are so strong and so brave and you are going to be okay. it may be difficult and you will have days where it is unbearable but your an amazing beautiful person that makes the loves of those around you that bit brighter, so get help. and sometimes all you need to do is talk.

i found this quote and i really like it cause its how i feel about myself sometimes, and it might help others when it feels like the world is against you.
"the world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places". Ernest Hemingway

so remember, things will get better, and despite the sadness life can be exciting and sometimes it takes getting through the very worst things life can throw at us that we discover who we truly are and what we are meant to do on this strange planet.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/

memories....

iv been thinking about writing this post all day while standing at working cleaning and making coffees all these thoughts came into my head but now that its come to it iv forgotten most of it. it probably doesnt help that its 11.15 at night, i have to get up crazy early for a train in the morning and im not sure that i have gotten over the weekend.

but speaking of this weekend it was thinking about this at work that got me thinking of other things. basically i went out this weekend and got insanely drunk with some of the best people i know! i am fairly certain that when i woke up on sunday that i was still drunk and when i looked through my phone with my friend who had stayed at all the pictures we took especially her as most of them are of her face i couldnt stop laughing. it could have been the alcohol still in my system and the lack of sleep  but i think it may have been because of a fun night. we also discovered that there is such thing as a trolleyturnup, (theres meant to be a hashtag but i cant seem to find it on my laptop!) who knew huh? but the point of this post is not about the night out itself but rather the people i was with. i think its when you have been through times that arent the easiest or there has been a massive change that you begin to realise the amazing people around you. and i know i talk about this a lot but it is so easy to forget but on saturday i really did think, my friend simply are the best despite the large number of shots they made me do for saying a word that had been banned! but despite the hangover it was worth it for the memories and i am pleased to say that i remember the whole night.

i think its easy to forget that we are young and to grow up too quickly. thats not always a bad think but i know from personal experience i have always acted older than i am, and iv been happy, but now i simply want to have fun, say stupid things, do equally stupids things and make mistakes! life isnt perfect, its never going to be because then it would be too easy. and also i think a perfect life would get boring.

i know that im a little bit crazy, insecure and crazy awkward in social situations, im the one who trys to be funny sometimes and people dont get it but thats what makes me, me and im learning to love that. but what i have also realised is that my friends are also a little bit crazy, but they are also funny, kind and loyal. and its because of them that im  beginning to come out of my shell a little, that im showing more of who i really am. i guess you could say im shy but when i really know someone the weirdest shit comes out of my mouth. but despite this im lucky to have amazing friends. and it is with these people that i am making new awesome memories.

because when we are older, married, settled down and whatever it is these memories that we are going to have. i have some amazing memories from the last five years, venice for my 21st, rome, being with someone who i loved and made me feel special. but now i feel like i am finally ready to move on and make new memories with some of my favourite people. i will always treasure those memories, but its good to let go of the past. it is our past that makes us the people that we are today, how we were at school, in our teens, our first kiss, our first serious relationship and our first break up, but it is how we deal with all of this, as well as the people in our lives that change us, and make us the decent human beings we hope we are.

so look at the past and remember but we are always making new memories, although sometimes in the case of alcohol it can be hard to remember them, and that is what makes life exciting doing crazy things, making mistakes and not knowing whats going to happen next. oh and remember it is your insecurities that make you, just dont let them overpower you cause most of the time it isnt worth it, and all those people in your life love you for who you are, awkwardness and all.

relationships...

relationships are a funny thing, whether they be a friendship or romantic. in some cases they are one and the same. you put you all into it, you love, your trust, your happiness and it can be amazing it can last forever, or it can simply end. i see a lot of things on facebook that say if you are friends with someone for more than 7 years it will last a life time. in some cases this is true. i am incredibly lucky to say that i have this, we can spend months not talking but get us in a room together and you wouldnt know, and they are the people i know will always have my back, whether that means staying at my house when the thought of being alone is too scary, tidying my room because i simply cant do it or getting my drunk and texting me how amazing i am, i always know without a doubt they love me. and for that i dont think i could ever repay them, and hopefully they know how much they mean to me. sometimes, however, its the people who come into your life at the hardest of times that can be the most amazing of friends, sending pictures that will make you laugh, or stupid cat videos, listening to you rant, or buying you cake and tea and letting you cry. i really am lucky to have these amazing people in my life and i dont think i would have gotten through this past year without them, because i only have so much strength to deal with everyday life, and they have given me so much hope.

so in all im lucky i guess thats what im trying to say.

romantic relationships i guess are another thing. it is easy to think that what you have is the best thing your ever going to get. recently a lot of people around me have gone through break ups, just as i have, and it sucks. whether you were the one to do the breaking up or not it still hurts and it still feels like the end of your world. but all i can say to people is it can only get better. there are bigger things waiting for you out there. so i know it hurts, i mean its been most of a year since it happened and i still find it hard, but bad things happen so that you can do bigger and brighter things and so that you can meet that person who makes you truly happy. someone despite your many problems, despite feeling sad, depressed or anxious in normal situations will stand by you. people change and grow all the time, and some people deal with heartbreak, change, or simply life in different ways. but one thing i believe in is honesty, always be honest and true to everyone in your life, and sometimes that means hurting them but it will hurt less than lying. always be thankful for what you had, whether thats romantically or in a friendship, because at that time when you had them in your life, it was happy and true, but it might just not be what you need or want anymore. and dont feel pressured to move on, everyone moves at different paces, some people can meet someone new straight away but others cant, and it might seem selfish of them or as though what you had meant nothing, but sometimes thats how people deal with things and thats okay. i keep thinking iv moved on and then i think i havent, but that just makes me me and im okay with that. just do what you need to do to make yourself happy, whatever that might be.

and in all honesty its kind of exciting not knowing what the future holds, who we might meet and the adventures we might have! i mean i went away last year for 5 weeks not knowing anyone and i met some truly amazing people and had the most amazing time. so do look back and remember what you had but look to the future because theres so much to look forward and do some crazy stupid things while your young.

and remember that your always surrounded by people who love you such as family and friends, and if they are anything like mine they might be slightly crazy but they are also crazy loyal and have got me through both this break up and the depression that has plagued me the last few months. and they will be there for you too, and you wont even have to ask them to be.

7

sometimes we get to a point in our lives when we just dont know where we are going anymore, or even who we are. in a way im at that point. i know what i want to do, that i want to be a forensic anthropologist and work with the police and live in London, maybe work abroad for a while. but its getting to that point that is that hard part. im doing a degree that i love but with all the problems iv had iv never been more scared that i will fail and let everyone down, especially myself. however, i know that i can do it, its just starting thats the hard part. i tried to write a blog post last night, and deleted about 5 different versions because my thoughts were simply to jumbled to get out.

im at a point in my life where i have had a lot of change and have probably had my worst bout of depression since first being diagnosed or my second year of uni. the thing that i have found the hardest is picking myself back up again and i feel that i am slowly doing that everyday. sometimes the best way is by channeling all of your energy into something positive. so in the last few weeks i have dyed my hair pink and gotten a tattoo. they might seem a little extreme but the tattoo at least marks a point in my life where im trying to make positive changes and cope better with my depression. one thing i worry about a lot is that my depression becomes who i am. that when people look at me they see someone who is constantly trying to hide the sadness that they feel. and its true what they say that often the happiest people are the saddest because i would say on a whole im a happy person, admittedly very awkward and often say stupid things that i then regret but happy. however, i have become an expert at hiding how im truly feeling, i dont like to let people know that im sad or that im not sleeping or eating and some people say thats because im strong but i dont think thats it, i think in many cases people feel its weakness to admit they way they truly feel, that by admitting it they are no longer strong. maybe thats just the way i feel i dont know but i dont like to give into it because once i have i know that sometimes there is no going back and that i will be in this dark place until i can find that strength to pull myself out again. many people describe depression as a dark cloud or a black dog that follows you every where you go and its a fairly accurate idea, everyone suffers in different ways, but for me it almost feels like a different personality like another person has taken over my body and is telling me that im sad even though there is no reason for it.

im sure a lot of this doesnt make sense and i apologise now because i know i can ramble, but i hope in some way i can help explain they way depression can work. one thing i have started doing is exercising. sometimes i only do 15minutes of intense workout others i do longer and less intense but the difference it makes is amazing, it makes me feel like a different person. so even if you dont feel like it and your at your lowest point go for a walk or a slow jog or do yoga because it helps. exercise realises serotonin into your brain which creates a feeling of happiness. there are a lot of articles out there if your interested but it honestly does help. on the different occasions that iv had therapy they recommended it as a way of helping anxiety and depression.

so if like me you dont know where you life is going and are unsure of everything right now, its going to be okay, just take one step in front of the other and look after yourself. and if you need to take a day off in bed do because sometimes you need that more than you need to do anything else. and this is something im learning, depression doesnt make you, there are so many other bigger and brighter things that make you the person you are. no one is perfect no matter how hard they try.

so to end my rambling blog here is a quote i found and love: "I wish i could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being" - Hafzig

letting go

so as i have said before it hasnt been an easy the last few weeks in fact month, but i have just come back from going away. it was amazing being away for a number of reasons, one no internet, at first scary not having communication with the rest of the world but also nice. two, East Devon is stunning, and three i got time to myself, and time to think.

i said before that its good sometimes to put yourself out there and to take risks and i stand by that, i believe you should, even if the likely outcome is hurt. sometimes if you believe something enough theres every chance that it might work out. and it is sometimes this time away what can really make you realise what it is that you want in life, or how to find your happiness again. but there has to be a point when you have to let go. even if you believe that it could make you happy, but theres a point when you cant be treated badly anymore, or wait for people to realise what they are letting go. it might be hard and it certainly hurts but sometimes you have to look out for yourself and do what you need.

iv also learned that its okay to cry, cause sometimes that what you need to do, have a breakdown and cry letting go of all the hurt and sadness. that what one of my closest friends told me and shes right. iv been holding on for so long, trying to be strong and telling everyone that im going to be okay when all iv wanted to do is cry and breakdown, and after that it can make you feel so much better, although it might not always be the case.

iv also decided on the advise of my beautiful friend that each week i get a treat so that i have something to look forward to something each week, and iv done this before and it can help. even if its simply painting your nails. so thats what im going to do!

i guess this small post is simply trying to say that its okay to let go of something when you cant see it ever working out or you simply cant wait anymore. you are worth so much more than that, and you should never think otherwise. just because you might suffer depression, anxiety or anything else, it does not make you worth less than anyone else. in many cases it just shows how strong you are. because everyday it can be a challenge, and putting yourself out there when most wouldnt shows to the world what an incredible person you are. and often people realise what they lost when its too late. so take everyday as it comes, and each day treat yourself, it can simply be a cup of tea or a bar or chocolate and let go of the past and all the hurt because it is not worth it.