Fear

i havent written for a long time, i felt i couldnt. the last time i tried i was hurting too much. i didnt know how to process my feelings, how people carry on after losing people they love. but carry on we did, all of us. it hurt, it still hurts and sometimes its the small things like a card on your birthday and of course christmas brings everything to the surface. but our family are what make us. and my family is strong and stubborn and most of all there for each other every step of the way.

im lucky, iv said this many times before but my family are always there, telling me your doing a good job everything is going to be okay. and im thankful for that because sometimes im scared. i get this sick feeling that wont go away, sometimes theres a part of my brain thats telling me things wont stay this good for long, that things will always go wrong. iv had a hard year but somehow i have made it through but there have been times when i simply didnt think i could take any more. anxiety levels have gotten scarily high and it was at these times that i though maybe this is it. maybe the sadness the black depression was coming back and i cant go back because last time i was scared at where my mind took me. to think that you dont think you can carry on with the life you living is a feeling that cant be explained. its desperate and dark and suffocating and all kinds of painful and because of that i will always be scared to go back there. i over came it, but i know that i will be living with this fear always. its part of who i am, its what makes me, me. i like me, with all my flaws and awkwardness im learning that its okay. but its important to acknowledge that fear so that if you see or feel the warning signs or the triggers that you can take a moment to simply breath. and say im not okay right now but i will be.

this will always be a part of me and to mark that i had a semicolon tattooed behind my ear, its rarely seen because of my hair but its not to be seen its a reminder for me. to remind myself iv gotten this far and no matter how bad it gets i will fight my hardest to get through it. despite the fear and anxiety i will always try. with the help of my family and friends.

one step at a time