Everything will be okay.

so its been a pretty hard few days, and i guess that fairly obvious. what i wasnt expecting was the support and love that i received. especially the messages from people i havent spoken too for years. it was amazing hearing from them today and for them to tell me that they are there for me, its amazing how it can add a little light to a bad day. i never realised how fortunate i was to have the people around me that i do and i know i say this a lot but its true. my lecturers have been amazingly supportive and it feels so good to be at a university that truly care about their students, it makes it just that be easier to be honest about my depression. i use to be so ashamed thinking i shouldnt be sad, im so lucky but i realised pretty quickly thats not how it works, it is simply a problem with the chemicals in my brain and theres not much i can do about that. theres no quick cure, well there is medication but its not certain that they will work. in most cases it is something that you will have for life. a permanent presence that can sneak up on you when you least expecting it.

the one thing i have learnt in the 4years since i was diagnosed is its okay to have days where you dont get out of bed. thats fine if you need that time take it, your ill and sometimes rest is the answer to that illness. and as i said in my last post its okay to admit that your struggling, to tell those around you that you need help, that your not sure you can do this alone. i have also found that sometimes its the people you dont expect to be the ones that gives you the words to get you through that day. one thing that i know helps me is splitting my day into little goals and sometimes those goals are eat breakfast or wash, and once who have achieved those small goals it feels good. my mum tried to encourage me to sort my clothes out but i think she knew that that wasnt going to happen, so my goal for the morning is going for a walk around the town. so in the morning that whats im going to aim to do. exercise is one of the few things that makes me feel better, mainly dancing and tonight i went to dance and actually using my body put me in a better frame of mind, made me realise as i walked home from the train station that things will work out. il find my happiness

im a big believer in taking chances. this blog was a chance that i was scared to take, to let the world into my slightly strange mind, and my depression something that iv kept secret. but i dont regret it, not because i want peoples support but because im hoping that it helps people understand what its like living with depression. however, back to my point, i believe in taking chances and putting your heart out there so thats what iv done, and will it work out who knows probably not but i know i will never look back and regret it. things happen good or bad but they happen for a reason im sure thats true and people believe in fate but sometimes you need to make your own fate, you need to take a look at your life and think, i get to choose what happens no one else. and despite all of my problems and despite my world having changed massively im going to start to try and make the decisions in my life, not let other people do that for me. so to anyone out there reading this, everything will be okay, you will be happy but sometimes you have to take the bad first. and also when things are bad chocolate and ice-cream can really help make things better.

so im going to try and look forward and fight through this really hard days, and im going to put a smile on my face and eat cake. i can get through this and so can any of you. and its so important to remember how strong you are and dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Admitting your not okay

sometimes it feels as though the world around you is breaking down, as though everything you know has changed and even the colours are in reverse. it is at times like these that it is easy to break. it is a times like these that it feels as though you entire body is breaking into small pieces and if your not careful the wind will blow you away. it doesnt happen often but when it does it can be scary. it can be scary to see how much darkness you can feel inside and how you cant see the world as it really is. iv had this feeling many times before and i say to myself its going to be okay. i can get though this, one step at a time, simply put my make-up on and attempt a smile. but sometimes people can see through this mask and can see whats really below the surface. personally i dont like talking to people not anymore. i find if i rely to much on one person they will eventually leave. so through everything i have been through i have put on a face and a smile and held my head up high and continued as if nothing has happened. i shut people out and pretend. i guess its pretty obvious to say that this doesnt work for long. eventually there will be one to many things to happen and then you break. and when you break it can be either a good thing or a bad.
im beginning to learn that its okay to lean on people, that not everyone will walk out on you, that some people are there for you through everything, even if that means sitting eating ice-cream watching the worse films possible. im lucky that i have many people in my life that will do that for me because its hard being in a dark place by yourself. depression is such an isolating illness, and it can be almost impossible to see the light sometimes.  but recently i have had to pick myself up more times than i can count. to say iv had a pretty awful 2015 so far is an understatement but one of many things i have learnt lately is that i am strong, stronger than i give myself credit. so any of you going through this remember that you are so strong, that everyday when you feel like you cant do it, by simply trying you are doing more than anyone will ever understand. people with depression are brave and so strong and admitting your not okay can be the hardest thing to do.

i have so many people in my life that i didnt even realise who are there for me in so many ways that i know for a fact that i dont say thank you enough. i hope if any of you are reading this you know who you are, and how much you mean to me.

i know that in my case i have let things go on for too long before admitting that i wasnt doing so great. that i let my depression get so bad that i started hating doing the things i love so much. but im going to try and change that and find my happiness again. cause we all deserve to be happy, and i wont let people or a bad beginning to the year get in my way. and no one should ever let that happen to themselves. sometimes finding your own happiness can lead to someone elses unhappiness  and i know this better than most, but if thats the case honesty is always the best way.

so i guess this post is about it being okay to admit that your not happy, that things are really bad. and thats what im doing, finally admitting the truth to myself and those around me but i know that i can pick myself up again and be stronger than ever.

Things Change

The last 6 months havent been the easiest. everything has changed and keeps changing, nothing is how it was. i guess what i find hard is that i dont like change, well no one does not that i know of. but change has to happen, things cant stay how they are because that is not how life works. its especially hard when you think you have life sorted, you know what your future holds and your excited, but i guess we are not meant to have everything planned from the beginning. i dont know im not every sure that im making much sense, so let me start again...

i had my life planned and i knew exactly what was going to happen, i was in love, i loved uni and knew what i wanted to happen when i left, i new i was going to move away, have an amazing job and be with the person i loved most. but maybe one person doesnt deserve all that happiness at once, or maybe im simply to young i dont know the reason but it didnt last. and since that moment in time i have questioned my decision every single day and wondered would i change it? im not sure that i would but i wish some of the things that happened after would change. i never knew up until this point how amazing the people i have in my life are. i guess its easy to take people for granted, just expect that to be there but thats not the case. i truly have some incredible friends and i dont think i can ever thank them enough, through everything and especially the hard times where i felt barely human they have helped me get up and keep moving. it is at times like these that you realise there are some incredible people in this world.

i was more than lucky and i still am its just the change that is hard and it is the letting go that is even harder. i need to move on with my life and i know that more than anything but once i have made that step there is no going back and im scared, i have never been more scared in my life to take that step towards my future. people tell me im brave and strong all the time because of how i handle everything that is thrown at me, but im not, im neither of those things im simply scraping by every single day or thats what it feels like.

but we all have to move on eventually, bad things happen to everyone and they deal with it. im surrounded by some truly inspirational people who have had some of the worst things happen to them and they dont let that stop them. everyday for the last four years i have watched my dad struggle with an illness that none of us really understand, no doctor has given us a definitive diagnosis but everyday he gets up and gets on with it, he may complain and be grumpy but then he deserves that, he gets to complain when he is in pain and is grumpy i dont think we can take that away from him.

and i was truly lucky to have something that felt truly special for five years with an amazing person and now its over and i guess i need to start letting it go, and im trying i really am but life i guess doesnt work like that and emotions dont but i will let go and i will move on because life makes us. and i guess what im trying to say is i am truly grateful to all the people in my life you have helped and listened and just been there.

my depression hasnt helped and i know at times i can be a complete bitch and lash out at who ever is near and especially at those who i love the most but even so there are still there for me. and they understand that at times im my happy bright self but at times im not and i just need space. one of the hardest things for me has been the not sleeping. i never use to have this problem as im the sort of person who can sleep anywhere at anytime no matter what. but the last 5 days iv hardly slept, iv been getting maybe two hours sleep and its the worse because its almost as though you can function or hear properly because every movement takes so much energy, something that you dont have. there is medication, sleeping pills can help and i have them but i didnt this time because its something that i want to deal with on my own, if i can sort my sleeping out without medication that it feels like a victory.

i think this blog post might be a bit rambly (still not sure this is a word but i like it), but i guess all im trying to say change is hard and so is moving on and people tell you when you should start moving as if its a recognised date but i dont believe that, i think you should only move on when your ready and you have done everything you can in the mean time, and i guess i have iv given my all and im not sure what i have left. but i wont be rushed i will take my time and will slowly find happiness that  deserve cause in the end everyone deserves to be happy. and although there may be hateful words in the process of that happiness and what feels like hatred that will fade and become the past. but i will never forget those five years of what felt like perfect happiness but i know i dont want to continue in i guess what you could call self torture because i know that i deserve better. and my depression and my past will not get in my way and i will always have my beautiful friends and family, who i will always love.

so thank you for everything.

No.2

So i got some amazing feed back on my last post and all of my friends were incredibly supportive and said that i should carry on writing as it helps me but it also helps others understand what its like having depression. i dont plan only on writing about depression, but one of my amazing friends suggested that i write what i do when im feeling really down to help others who might also be in a bad place and i liked that idea so thats what im going to do also.

many people dont talk about having depression because they think it makes them sound crazy, but having depression and anxiety does not make you crazy, it simply means that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. in fact if you type serotonin into google it will come up with a number of links to serotonin levels and how it can affect depression. i shall put the link at the end of my post. depression doesnt happen to certain people it can happen to anybody as i've realised in the last few days. it can make you feel numb no matter what amazing things might be happening around you, you may smile but inside theres nothing just emptiness. and then with the emptiness theres the never ending feeling of sadness, and the worst part is half the time you dont know why your sad. the sadness just surrounds you, making you feel like someone is physically pushing you down, almost as if your drowning and all you can do is hide under your duvet and hope it will go away, and sometimes it does, sometimes it will last a day, other times a week and when things are really bad it can last longer months. often to add to the depression, theres anxiety, always worrying, getting anxious about the smallest things.

these are things that i feel all the time, i can say one thing to a person and then i will obsess for days about it, worrying i have upset them said the wrong thing, panic they hate me, that everyone will hate me. and because of this i can come across as cold or i dunno bitchy or full of myself. but im not, well i hope im not, most of the time it is a front to protect myself because i dont feel strong on the inside and as sad as it sounds all i want is to be liked. but i know most of the time that it is just my insecurity talking and that i am stronger than that. so if you have any feelings similar to this than there is nothing wrong with that and it doesnt mean that you are crazy, and its not something to be ashamed of.

as iv mentioned before im really lucky to have some truly incredible people in my life who are always there, who when things are bad i know are a phone call away. also my family are pretty damn awesome and i love them a lot. i was also lucky to have an amazing guy in my life, who was there through everything, including when i got diagnosed and i remember being scared, scared that i wasnt me anymore, but he reminded me everyday that i was, and for that il always be greatful, and i hope he knows that. so dont forget even when things feel like they are at their worst, theres always people who love you and will be there for you and they will remind you of who you really are. and one of the things i do when things feel really bad is watch the films that are incredibly cheesy and stupid because for as long as that films is i feel a little bit brighter and i guess happy for as long as that film is on.

lately one of the things i have found help me the most is dancing. at my dance school their is a choreographic competition, and me and one of my best friends are making a dance. at first i was super competitive but now i realise thats not why im doing it, im doing it because i love dancing and the way it makes me feel. how when im dancing for myself, as cheesy as that sounds, i forget to be sad and i feel happy. so its important to find something that your passionate about that makes you feel happy even if its only for a couple of minutes because thats all the matters, and when you have that its possible to see that depression doesnt make you, its an illness that might not go away forever, but there are things you can do to make it easier.


heres the link i was talking about: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/serotonin

Depression

So I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while, but never did because to be honest I never really thought I was that interesting. but recently I've started talking about something that is very important to me and i briefly mentioned it on facebook and got an amazing response, so i've decided that im going to write about it more often, so here it goes...

Depression is a funny word. you here it used a lot in everyday life but i dont think people really understand what its like to have depression, they just casually throw the word around, as if there is no deeper meaning than being a little bit sad. but its not just feeling sad its more than that its as if there is a physical force pushing down on you every minute of the day, constantly questioning everything that you do. its more than sadness, its more than feeling a little down. its hard to explain and i think that is why there is a stigma surrounding it, so i apologise now if this comes across a bit wouldn't rambley (also i dont think that is a word so must apologise again). i have suffered with depression for years and at first i hid that fact because i thought i should be ashamed, i mean im 22 what do i have to be depressed about right? well thats not how it works, depression happens to anyone of any age, sex, race, religion, any one can have it so im asking you (if anyone takes the time to read this) to never say what do you have to be depressed about. as iv said depression is like a physical being, and because of that sometimes people need to take a day off and stay in bed, not because they are lazy but because they need to take the time to recover both mentally and physically.

i have been incredibly lucky to be blessed with the people i have in my life, my family and friends who have stood by me through all the dark times slowly helping me feel myself again. and now more than ever, as i struggle with depression i want raise awareness of mental health because it is not talked about enough and there is still a stigma. a mental illness can be just as damaging as any illness that you can see. so before you judge someone for having depression, take a step back and think do i really understand what its like? and maybe try to imagine yourself in their position.