7

sometimes we get to a point in our lives when we just dont know where we are going anymore, or even who we are. in a way im at that point. i know what i want to do, that i want to be a forensic anthropologist and work with the police and live in London, maybe work abroad for a while. but its getting to that point that is that hard part. im doing a degree that i love but with all the problems iv had iv never been more scared that i will fail and let everyone down, especially myself. however, i know that i can do it, its just starting thats the hard part. i tried to write a blog post last night, and deleted about 5 different versions because my thoughts were simply to jumbled to get out.

im at a point in my life where i have had a lot of change and have probably had my worst bout of depression since first being diagnosed or my second year of uni. the thing that i have found the hardest is picking myself back up again and i feel that i am slowly doing that everyday. sometimes the best way is by channeling all of your energy into something positive. so in the last few weeks i have dyed my hair pink and gotten a tattoo. they might seem a little extreme but the tattoo at least marks a point in my life where im trying to make positive changes and cope better with my depression. one thing i worry about a lot is that my depression becomes who i am. that when people look at me they see someone who is constantly trying to hide the sadness that they feel. and its true what they say that often the happiest people are the saddest because i would say on a whole im a happy person, admittedly very awkward and often say stupid things that i then regret but happy. however, i have become an expert at hiding how im truly feeling, i dont like to let people know that im sad or that im not sleeping or eating and some people say thats because im strong but i dont think thats it, i think in many cases people feel its weakness to admit they way they truly feel, that by admitting it they are no longer strong. maybe thats just the way i feel i dont know but i dont like to give into it because once i have i know that sometimes there is no going back and that i will be in this dark place until i can find that strength to pull myself out again. many people describe depression as a dark cloud or a black dog that follows you every where you go and its a fairly accurate idea, everyone suffers in different ways, but for me it almost feels like a different personality like another person has taken over my body and is telling me that im sad even though there is no reason for it.

im sure a lot of this doesnt make sense and i apologise now because i know i can ramble, but i hope in some way i can help explain they way depression can work. one thing i have started doing is exercising. sometimes i only do 15minutes of intense workout others i do longer and less intense but the difference it makes is amazing, it makes me feel like a different person. so even if you dont feel like it and your at your lowest point go for a walk or a slow jog or do yoga because it helps. exercise realises serotonin into your brain which creates a feeling of happiness. there are a lot of articles out there if your interested but it honestly does help. on the different occasions that iv had therapy they recommended it as a way of helping anxiety and depression.

so if like me you dont know where you life is going and are unsure of everything right now, its going to be okay, just take one step in front of the other and look after yourself. and if you need to take a day off in bed do because sometimes you need that more than you need to do anything else. and this is something im learning, depression doesnt make you, there are so many other bigger and brighter things that make you the person you are. no one is perfect no matter how hard they try.

so to end my rambling blog here is a quote i found and love: "I wish i could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being" - Hafzig

letting go

so as i have said before it hasnt been an easy the last few weeks in fact month, but i have just come back from going away. it was amazing being away for a number of reasons, one no internet, at first scary not having communication with the rest of the world but also nice. two, East Devon is stunning, and three i got time to myself, and time to think.

i said before that its good sometimes to put yourself out there and to take risks and i stand by that, i believe you should, even if the likely outcome is hurt. sometimes if you believe something enough theres every chance that it might work out. and it is sometimes this time away what can really make you realise what it is that you want in life, or how to find your happiness again. but there has to be a point when you have to let go. even if you believe that it could make you happy, but theres a point when you cant be treated badly anymore, or wait for people to realise what they are letting go. it might be hard and it certainly hurts but sometimes you have to look out for yourself and do what you need.

iv also learned that its okay to cry, cause sometimes that what you need to do, have a breakdown and cry letting go of all the hurt and sadness. that what one of my closest friends told me and shes right. iv been holding on for so long, trying to be strong and telling everyone that im going to be okay when all iv wanted to do is cry and breakdown, and after that it can make you feel so much better, although it might not always be the case.

iv also decided on the advise of my beautiful friend that each week i get a treat so that i have something to look forward to something each week, and iv done this before and it can help. even if its simply painting your nails. so thats what im going to do!

i guess this small post is simply trying to say that its okay to let go of something when you cant see it ever working out or you simply cant wait anymore. you are worth so much more than that, and you should never think otherwise. just because you might suffer depression, anxiety or anything else, it does not make you worth less than anyone else. in many cases it just shows how strong you are. because everyday it can be a challenge, and putting yourself out there when most wouldnt shows to the world what an incredible person you are. and often people realise what they lost when its too late. so take everyday as it comes, and each day treat yourself, it can simply be a cup of tea or a bar or chocolate and let go of the past and all the hurt because it is not worth it.